It Is What It Is

God grant me the serenity 

to accept the things I cannot change; 

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time; 

Enjoying one moment at a time; 

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; 

Taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it; 

Trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life 

and supremely happy with Him

Forever in the next.

Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

Since starting Celebrate Recovery, several months ago,

this prayer has been read aloud and prayed many times.

The first time I read it, it was like a snag on an old vinyl album ....scritchhhhhhhhhhhhhh

accepting hardship as a pathway to peace?

reasonably happy in this life? supremely happy in the next one?

I didn't want to accept these things as true,

I didn't want to even read them aloud.

And I most certainly did not want to pray them!

(YES, YES, I have since found out that denial was a big part of my problems!)

But the part that I wanted to mention here today was

"Taking this sinful world as it IS,

not as I would have it"

That, ladies and gentlemen, means facing reality

and in my limited thirty-five years of experience, is sometimes difficult to do!

Once on a Sunday morning service, Pastor Jerry was preaching on the place of our greatest pain.
He was imploring us to remember that place and he was speaking on how Christ suffered in every

way that we did (in all points tempted, yes, but even moreso) he was speaking of the suffering that Christ received (nails in his hands representing sins committed with our hands, crown of thorns representing sins of our thought life, etc.)

He said, "Think of that place of your greatest pain. What do you need to bring to Christ?"

And I was like, "I don't know? My mom throwing me out of the house?" 

and that was my conscious mind speaking. That was what I was fishing around to remember.

That's what I thought was truth.

But in the split-second instant that thought passed through my consciousness

the Holy Spirit interjected another ...

"No, it was the rejection of your alcoholic parents."

OUCH

Nuh-uh!

Grrrr.

So I am learning that even though I often have a lot of words and ideas behind my 

arguements with our Almighty Creator, it is futile.

He is always right!

So even though my mind was screeching

and I was yowling inside in a pseudo/psychological straightjacket my legs

yielded to God and I walked the walk to the alter for prayers.

That, I would have to say was the beginning of God REALLY UNEARTHING

the graveyard of rotting bones in the garden of my heart.

Through this time God revealed to and brought back to my memory

a terrible sting of incidents and violations and sins that were committed against me.

And BOY WAS I ANGRY WHEN HE DID.

I did NOT believe it was an issue

I did NOT even cry

I never told anyone and I didn't CARE to tell anyone.

And then for the next twenty-four to thirty-six hours I brewed,

I stewed, I ruminated on this.

I was seriously wrestling in anger with God.

I remember pulling into the parking lot at Church (ladies are welcome to come

and pray on Monday evenings) and I was pulling in angry and I was thinking about

what Jerry said about Christ suffering in the ways that we did and I said,
"Jesus I KNOW you didn't go through what I went through, how do you explain that?"
and he said this to me ..........as sure as I am sitting here typing on this computer,
Jesus Christ spoke to me and said,
"No, Laura, but the shame..."
and I just began weeping.
He continued "Do you think when I hung on the cross I had clothes on?"
And I thought of his mother and his brothers and his kinsman and countrymen -
all glaring up at this beautiful and wretched man - beaten, humiliated and the
shame he must've felt to hang there 'exposed' in front of his mother and close friends.


And in that moment I knew that He DID know what I was going through 
and had gone through.
I went in through the door of the church, marched straight into the prayer room
and blurted everything out to Kathy, a dear friend of mine.


I had NEVER EVEN ADMITTED IT TO MYSELF
Let alone another person!
I had never told another living person what I had gone through
because I had CONVINCED myself that it didn't matter and that I didn't care!


I remember years ago when I read the scripture for the first time,
"The heart is deceitfully wicked above all else, who can know it?"
and I argued inside myself, "That's not true!"


Ha ha ha ... little did I know it was VERY true!
I guess that was back before I learned that it's never a good idea to argue with God! (lol)


So one of the biggest things I have learned with Celebrate Recovery in the last six months
not about the program itself,
but within and about myself,
is


When I say (sometimes puffed up, huffy and in anger)
I DON'T CARE,
what it really most frequently means is,
I CARE VERY MUCH.


and this was so hard for me to face and admit
because I hurt so much as a child
I hurt so much as a young adult
I just must've not wanted to hurt anymore
so I "convinced" myself that things didn't hurt or bother me
so I wouldn't have to FACE REALITY cause reality was just too hard to face!


And the Lord showed me the analogy of a broken leg and walking with crutches.
Denial can be a tool to help you get through awful things (THAT SHOULD NEVER
BE HAPPENING TO YOU ANYWAY!)  But denial in a way can be a gift
to a child - to help them get through ugly stuff.


But


like 1 Corinthians 13:11 says,


When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things.

There comes a time to step out of your survival mode cushioned reality
and step into HIS glorious light
and HIS glorious love
and HIS glorious reality and face the world together.


God, this has been a crazy journey ...
sometimes I sing an old Jerry Garcia line and it always brings a smile to my face.
"What a long, strange trip it's been!"


But now I am standing with Jesus and we are facing life together as I try to
TAKE THIS SINFUL WORLD AS IT IS ... not as I would have it
and I have to say, sometimes the view is breathtaking.