Great Grace

So I'm doing this "Celebrate Recovery" thing...

And it's been a love/hate relationship throughout the process...
But I'm getting to a place now where I am beginning to see some fruit.

And I wanted to share with cyberworld an incident that occurred in my life
directly because of Celebrate Recovery and how God and a person who loves God
showed me "Great Grace."

So,
Celebrate Recovery is a twelve-step program (like AA or NA) that seeks to get to the ROOTS of
the weeds of behavior patterns and "Issues" that we have and live with.
It seeks to access heaven and involve God in our past/present/future and help bring
health, wholeness and healing to your mind, will and emotions.
It's a really great program.

(and for those in the Markleysburg Area, it is on Wednesday evenings at New Life Covenant Church (beside A.J.) from 6:30-8:30.)

So I was involved in a "Step Study" which is a more intensive branch off of the CR program
and it's more of a 9-10 month journey into the abyssmal unknowns of our issues! And during this time,
some of the things I had done to intentionally hurt others came back up (as well as things that others in my lifetime have intentionally done to hurt me) ... one of the steps is making a moral inventory -
listing pros of your life
and cons.
*listing things you've done to hurt others in your past
*listing things others have done to hurt you in your past
*listing the "good" things you have done in your life as well (to balance things out, I guess!)

During this time it was brought up to me (in my mind/heart) something I had PURPOSEFULLY DONE to SPECIFICALLY and MALICIOUSLY HURT another person! This person is now a dear, beloved and trusted friend of mine.
This event involved someone who at the time was very near and dear to their heart.
This person who was very near and dear to their heart is now their spouse.
OUCH.

Well after listing my moral inventory
I needed to confess it to another living person; a sponsor or an accountability partner.
And then if at all possible we are to make amends to injured parties, unless when to do so
would bring harm to or injure them again.

So here was my quandary.
Do I go on with our lives as if it never happened --- wondering if in fact
they ever knew that I did this?
Do I bring this up or could it bring injury to their marriage now?
Could this destroy our wonderful friendship?
Could this wreak havoc on this woman's life now?
Oh, what to do, what to do.

So I shared with my sponsor and we discussed this at length and they suggested
talking with the spouse about it first
but I just couldn't do that.
I didn't know what to do, so I literally AGONIZED over this for, um, probably 2 months?!

Well a day came after completing my fifth step that my friend was coming for a visit.
I didn't think I would bring this up and I didn't know what to do, so we just visited.
It was wonderful, as always, as she is an amazing and wonderful woman and friend.
But we had this intense heartsharing moment sitting opposite one another in my living room
and I just HAD to bring this up.

I did.

I told her that I did it on purpose and that I was so sorry and could she ever forgive me???
Do you know what her reply was?
Can you even imagine or guess what she said?

"Laura, I forgive you!"
and she went on to say that this was a non-issue
that we were both so young then, it was almost another lifetime ago
and
that
we
had
already
had
this
conversation
BEFORE!

I was like, "WHAT?"
She said, "Yeah, because I remember how you stressed to me then
that you had done this on purpose."

We embraced,
I think I wept,
and we were okay.

Later in the evening, after she had gone home,
I sort of had an epiphany.

I had been shown such mercy and
GREAT GRACE
but I felt so unworthy
in the despicableness of what I had done
that my memory blocked OUT
the forgiveness and grace.

I only still held onto the ugliness of what I had done
because the grace and mercy was too great.

I allowed the awful to eclipse the good.

And it was like God spoke to my heart and said,
"you were forgiven long ago, but you didn't remember
because you held onto what YOU DID and how bad it was."

How often are people like that? Agonizing over how bad the
things were that they have done when
long ago,
they too
have been forgiven, by our loving God.
What do you need to let go of today that you have been hiding, stuffing or holding onto?

Jesus forgave you long ago,
perhaps, before you were even born,
you just need to let go of how "bad you are" and embrace how "Good HE is."