Remember Not the Former Things

"Remember not the former things, neither consider the things of old
Behold I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth; shall ye not know it?
I will even make a way in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert." - Isaiah 43:18

I was laying on the couch - exhausted.
Absolutely physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted.

I was now officially a young, single mother.
I had just met with the guy who had left long ago

and knew

that now,

officially,

and of a truth,

he was gone.

It was finally over.

I was hit with the reality of my situation.

I was now alone.

I had been alone up to this point, really
for the previous year,
but denial can be a strangely comforting thing.
My denial had now given way to
a stark and harsh reality.

I had an eighteen month old boy and a newborn baby boy

and it was all me.

I was overwhelmed.

I have never wanted to be responsible for anything or anyone ever.
It has always caused me great anxiety.

So here I was, laying on the couch,
wanting to just sleep the sleep of a thousand years.
Oh, to have those youthful days of rolling back over and covering up until tomorrow.
Only now I had two needy and helpless children
who would be depending on me for everything -
nurture, care, support, food and clothing, diapering, bathing ...
I couldn't just go back to bed.

Oh,
for real people,
I think I wanted to die.

I remember in my grief and sorrow and self pitying licking of my wounds,
I turned my eyes to heaven and my heart pleaded in ways my words would not
formulate,

"What now?"
I looked to heaven and cried out to my savior, "What now?"

I reached out to the only way I knew I could in communication with my God.
I picked up my bible.

And I did what I had been doing for the last nine months since my conversion to Christianity -
I just opened it.
Having no previous knowledge of books in the bible or stories in the bible or even
the differentiation from Old and New Testaments - I just spread the pages open
and my eyes fell on this scripture:

"Remember not the former things, neither consider the things of old.
Behold, I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth; shall ye not know it?
I will even make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert."

I just wept, tears of amazing love and comfort.
The GOD of the universe had just spoken to me,
his maidservant.

He had just breathed LIFE into my dying body
and gave me the HOPE and the sustenance to carry on.
I really could go on.
God DID in fact have a plan
and God DID in fact love me
and God DID in fact see my situation
and God DID in fact care.

And I can truly say thirteen and a half years later,
He did NOT disappoint me.
He KNEW what my future held and He
stood behind the scenes and painted a brilliant masterpiece
with all the colors imaginable.
Blacks, greys, dark times -
blended beautifully with whites and oatmeals and touches of gold and silver
and
now the portrait is beginning to take shape.
It's far from being completed,
but today
THIS is why I am most grateful.
God does indeed have a plan
and God IS in fact working.