Casting Down Imaginations and Pushing Through

Sometimes, I have to admit, I let my imagination get away with itself.
Sometimes, I admit, I succumb to the weakness of insecurity.

Sometimes, I admit, I wallow in self pity, grab my blankie and sit

in the corner, rocking, pouting, holding my knees close to my chest and

singing, "Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, I might as well go eat worms."

It is HARD to live in fellowship with others. I mean REAL fellowship and sisterhood.

I can't say if it's hard for everyone,

but it's hard for ME.

Because at the first hint of rejection (INSERT: Major INSECURITY HERE)
I want to literally walk away and say, "I don't need this. I don't need you."

You see my counselor, Dr. Reed, a very wise and wonderful woman

told me that temperamentally I have need for revenge, and I was like -

no way! I don't wish ill on them, I don't want revenge??

and she said I did because I cut them off and out of my life.

Like "See what you did to me? Ha. Now see what I will do to you."

Maybe she's right.

Sometimes it takes years before a concept inside of me gives birth

to a revelation. But I am still considering it.

And more often then not, she is right.

Well I have this friend. And she's amazing.

And I love her. For real.

We've been friends, for well, literally years.

We've been friends since I was a mother of

two children, so that's over 8 years ago. And you know how you

have shallow friends, friend you open up to, people you tolerate, etc.

On a scale of friendship where 1 is the lite-fare friend and 10 is THICK

We were thick and multi-dimensional.

Then some things in life happened.

It involved things that were CLOSEST to our hearts *as mothers*

Some things in life sought to seperate us.

Some things succeeded.

Well sort of...

Some things succeeded in taking us to a thinner place.

And there is this crazy thing about me

that when I have gravel in my mouth I can't seem to spit it out!
I just chew it and chew it until my teeth are painful and bloody stumps.
I stew and wallow in muck and mire.

I replay offenses over and over and over and did I say over?

I KNOW it's wrong, but I just can't seem to get off the sick ride.

Well I was on a couple sick rides with a couple friends and silly offenses

but this one struck me the deepest, because we were the thickest of friends.

And I felt the thinness and uncomfortable awkwardness of our greetings when

we would see one another and truthfully, they weren't from her! They were from me!

Well, God in his providence worked it out for us to have a face to face

encounter. I had JUST been to see Dr. Reed so my emotions were in my face

and I was in a real 'examining this situation moment' and I just couldn't walk away -

I blurted. And she, like always, had such kindness, concern, wisdom flowing from

her graceful lips willingly imparting, she embraced me with her HEART.

So why was I nurturing a perceived WOUND from this dear friend

who OBVIOUSLY LOVED ME???

This is the casting down imaginations part ----

We use God's mighty weapons, not worldly weapons, to knock down the strongholds of human reasoning and to destroy false arguments.

We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ

(Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ; (KJV)

BRINGING EVERY thought captive to the obedience of Christ.

My EMOTIONS and (previous and past) wounding was keeping ME bound

God's MIGHTY weapon is TRUTH!

The truth was this dear friend and sister in Christ LOVED ME.

I praise GOD that in that moment he allowed her love to pierce through my

ornamental brick wall of a heart and the Spirit of GOD allowed me to see the TRUTH

My sister loved me.

By the grace of God he mended our hearts that day and brought us back into

true fellowship. Not cool, aloof distance that could literally be felt.

SO: dear friend if you are reading this, I think you know who you are and I want

you to know that I LOVE you. I thank you for being a ROUND THE CLOCK WEATHER FRIEND

and not a fair weather friend. You are the BEST and I am so proud to call you sister.
Thank you for all the grace you have shown to me, especially in this season of great depression I

have been walking through.

Love to all , Laura B