A Ghost of Christmas Past

Last Christmas season, I was in the thick of depression.
I was wrestling inside with a lot of issues.

I felt like a failure, plain and simple.
A failure as a mother,
A failure as a friend,
A failure as a daughter.

I remember especially, Christmas Eve.
We were having a special service at church and I really wanted to go.
I was yearning for communion with my maker.
In that time I wasn't feeling much of it in my day to day life,
but when I walked into our church building, I couldn't help but face Him.

Well somehow that night we had company and Chuck ended up getting his coat
on and jacketing a child - and our friend who was here put her coat on, too
and it was just assumed that I would stay home with the remaining brood
while they went to service.

I am pretty sure I lost my breath and felt like I had been punched in the gut.
So I just shrugged it off as my lot in life
and continued to wallow in my misery.

Late that evening when everyone was in bed and it was my time to
ready the house for Christmas morn I sort of made a 'deal' with God.
Ever do that?
"God if you ________, then I'll never do _______ again!"
Well, it wasn't that bad! But
I just had this inner compulsion and gravitational pull to go to Midnight Mass.

I am not Catholic.
It was freezing outside
and snowing.
and blowing.
and a half hour away???
By myself?
In the dark?

Well, I made a deal with my creator,
If I get everything done, including setting the breakfast table,
gifts wrapped, placed, house cleaned up, readied,
by 11:30
then I will know you want me to go.
And I will go.
(and please let me say this would be nothing short of miraculous?!)

But, believe it or not, everything was done, by 11:29.

So, I bundled up and headed for St. John's.

Sitting in a pew, by myself,
seeing all the families around me
I envisioned my Nanny - strong, proud, German woman.
I could see her a few rows up in front of me with her six children in a row beside her.
Her husband wasn't around much. He was an excellent provider, but came from a long
line of hard core alcoholics.
I imagined she would have readied the six children by herself, dressed, gloved, hatted, booted -
including her handicapped son, who had difficulty walking.
All the children ready, and they would've walked the
distance in the dark, in the cold, on their way to Mass.
That is LATE at night. I can't imagine taking my five out that late
(cold, crying, cranky! - even with the support and help of my husband)

Through my constant stream of tears,
as my heart gushed out before God in my sorrow and my shame,
I could see the ghost of this woman in front of me
and I had a huge revelation in that moment.

She wasn't perfect.

Life had dealt her a difficult hand.

and I thought of the lives of her six children and how they turned out -
spiritually, emotionally, physically -
Maybe today looking back she would feel like a failure, too,
I would hope not!
but SHE DID THE BEST SHE COULD WITH WHAT SHE HAD.

She did the best that SHE could.

When I let that ruminate
and I rolled it around in my melancholic brain -
she did the best that she could
and that's all she could do -

something happened inside of me.

Here I sat, with the impending facts that one of my children was grievously unhappy,
(for all intensive purposes) hated me and was about to be willingly place outside of my home -
I was wearing the guilt of past offenses and failures and it was ever in my face
how I had failed this child

But God in his great mercy must've sent an angel with a spear - and the great sand bag
I was wearing on my shoulder was punctured that night.
and the sand began to seep out of it.

With each passing day, the weight that I wore became lighter and lighter.

I stopped flagellating myself.
I stopped dwelling among the tombs of regret.
I stopped living in the land of what ifs.

And today I can honestly tell you - that I know I am not perfect,

but it is enough to know that I am doing the best I can.

And that's all I can do.

I can't go back and change the past -
the mistakes, the mishaps, the messups.

But I can do my best to make today better.

So thank you Holy Spirit for the Christmas of '09.
Thank you for helping me get my work done and not letting me break down
or get a flat tire! Thank you for taking me into your sanctuary and warming me up
and lancing my boil of pity and sorrow.

Thank you for letting me see and enjoy and learn from my Nanny once more.