Momma Bean in the Mountains

"God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind."   2 Timothy 1:7 For as long as I can remember, I have always been afraid. At twelve, I would shut the lights out, bolt to my bed as fast as I possibly could and hide under the covers, head and all - if I covered all of myself, I was protected by my imaginary forcefield... but not really. But at twelve, thankfully, I didn't have any imminent danger lurking in my closet. When I first moved to this house I remember not going into my basement for a FEW YEARS! (unless I absolutely had to) because I was so scared spiders would fall in my hair. I can laugh at this now, but I assure you, at the time, it was NOT funny! I remember sitting in my living room on the couch and imagining someone right outside looking in my window. I imagined someone busting through the window to "get me" - so I wouldn't sit by a window at night! I once had fear defined to me as "F-alse E-vid...

"Remember not the former things, neither consider the things of old Behold I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth; shall ye not know it? I will even make a way in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert." - Isaiah 43:18 I was laying on the couch - exhausted. Absolutely physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted. I was now officially a young, single mother. I had just met with the guy who had left long ago and knew that now, officially, and of a truth, he was gone. It was finally over. I was hit with the reality of my situation. I was now alone. I had been alone up to this point, really for the previous year, but denial can be a strangely comforting thing. My denial had now given way to a stark and harsh reality. I had an eighteen month old boy and a newborn baby boy and it was all me. I was overwhelmed. I have never wanted to be responsible for anything or anyone ever. It has always caused me great anxiety. So here I wa...

Last Christmas season, I was in the thick of depression. I was wrestling inside with a lot of issues. I felt like a failure, plain and simple. A failure as a mother, A failure as a friend, A failure as a daughter. I remember especially, Christmas Eve. We were having a special service at church and I really wanted to go. I was yearning for communion with my maker. In that time I wasn't feeling much of it in my day to day life, but when I walked into our church building, I couldn't help but face Him. Well somehow that night we had company and Chuck ended up getting his coat on and jacketing a child - and our friend who was here put her coat on, too and it was just assumed that I would stay home with the remaining brood while they went to service. I am pretty sure I lost my breath and felt like I had been punched in the gut. So I just shrugged it off as my lot in life and continued to wallow in my misery. Late that evening when everyone was in bed and it wa...

Chasing Rainbows Sept 17, 2008 So today I was in the basement unpacking boxes, yeah, I know it's only been four months since we got the final news we weren't getting that house, but like it's time y'all So anyway.... I found some of my knickknackery and in the bottom of a  rubbermaid tub that actually had been packed up several Christmases ago  and forgotten about in a corner somewhere was one of the most prized  possessions that I am fortunate enough to own. Wanna know what it is? It's a rusty 'ole horse shoe. Yup. Wanna know why? (*cue frosty image looking back in time and some romantic flashback soundtrack muzak) A few years back I was taking a quick walk before dinner and grabbed my headphones and took off  back Brown Hill Rd. It was raining, but it was a light rain and I had really been loving these walks with God.  So I'm walking and worshipping and it's great. The sun starts coming out and as I'm climbing this hill  of a road with st...

Jul 23, 2008  Transferring a few old blogs from an old sight Ain’t gonna hurt no more no more "It only hurts if you believe them" I was feeling so disposable, so lacking worth And as I was feeling that way the Lord just Spoke to me in the swirling, "It only hurts if you believe them." And He was right. And He began to show me how He wants me to stop finding my value in my Judgment or assumption of what I am perceiving Others' judgments and assumptions of what they Are thinking of me, (and let me just be right up there with Virginia Slims on This one, We've come a long way baby -- and this is Nowhere near what it was in being a problem for me, Yet I am seeing subtle traces and places it is still lingering) Not even knowing in reality what they are thinking But judging by their actions I I I I I I I I I Am judging them and thinking I know what they Are thinking and that is whacked and wrong! And EVEN IF they are thinking that --- The LO...